I Got It All Wrong

When I was dating the Expensive Lesson, at one point, I asked him how he could make me laugh so often and so hard. His answer? He had altered his sense of humor to match mine.

Aww! He must really love me!

Nope!

May be an image of text that says 'Narcissists will wear ANY mask or create ANY fa├žade to make themselves look like the perfect person. BUT question them or try to make them accountable in any way and they will annihilate YOU'

He intentionally mimicked my sense of humor to help further his plan to lure me in. And it worked. I never laughed as much as I did with him. Unfortunately, I never cried as much, nor did I lose as much of myself. He made me laugh just so he could later torture me. That really sucks! I thought he was changing to be a better partner for me, but he was really trauma bonding me to him. Ick!

For the first time ever, a man loved me. My father didn’t love me, nor did my husband. Finally, FINALLY a man loved me! What a feeling! To be loved for who I am! And I loved him as much as he loved me. We had this love that endured through space and time. I had finally found my soul mate. It was miraculous!

May be an image of text

Only, it wasn’t. He didn’t love me; he’s incapable of loving anyone other than himself. Had I actually looked at it logically, I would have understood that someone who treated me as horrifically as did wasn’t capable of love. Slowly, piece by piece, he was destroying me from the inside out.

But leaving him was equally hard. Due to the trauma bonding, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I felt like I had lost the love of my life. I mourned the loss of him for a very long time.

May be an image of text that says 'Mourning an abusive relationship is natural. You're not only mourning the relationship, you're mourning the future you believed you'd share, you're mourning the past, you're mourning the person who you believed was your best friend and your soulmate.'

Until I realized that I never did love him. I loved who he made me believe he was. We never loved each other. It was all a lie. Somehow, when I realized that, it stopped my mourning process. Why would I mourn something that never was?

When we started dating, I told him all about how I had been abused by the men before him. He let me know how awful they were for treating me like that, and he assured me that he would NEVER be as horrible as they were.

May be an image of one or more people and text that says 'THE NARCISSIST WILL LISTEN TO YOUR STORY OF HOW YOU'VE BEEN HURT, AND THEY WILL DO THE SAME THING TO TO YOU ONLY WORSE. IN THEIR TWISTED MIND? THEY NEED TO BE AS POWERFUL AS YOUR LAST ABUSER. Nova @novas_narcisistabuse_recovery'

The problem is – he was worse! And I think it hurt worse when he abused me in the same ways because he knew how much it had hurt me. I had one abuser tell me that I was too sensitive; EL told me that I was WAY too sensitive. One of my abusers refused to take responsibility for when he hurt me; EL made it my fault.

When I found out that he had intentionally done it, it hurt even worse. Talk about adding insult to injury!

I thought we were both working to be happy. I thought we both wanted to be healthy. We were going to couples therapy together, so he obviously was as invested as I was, right?

Wrong!

May be an image of text that says 'Narcissistic Relationships You work harder than your partner to fix the problems. You keep asking "is it me or them?" You hope things will magically get better at some point in the future. You suppress your personality to avoid conflicts. You are unhappy but your partner is just fine. Problems are never resolved, and nothing is ever gained. tp://ww.onkahoy.com/narcissism/'

Don’t you sometimes hate 20/20 vision. Looking back now, I wonder how I could have been so blind! One afternoon, sitting in therapy, he actually said the words, “Why should I have to change?” At the moment, I was blind sighted, and completely disheartened. Unfortunately, because of the trauma bond, I quickly forgot about it and moved on (my MO to be able to survive the narcissistic abuse). I really wish the therapist would have given me his diagnosis at that moment. I will always wonder why she didn’t, but it’s not like it matters now.

Luckily, almost immediately after I escaped him, I started becoming aware of the red flags that I had ignored for years. After I left him, he told me that he didn’t love me anymore. I looked at him, without saying a word. He filled the silence by telling me that he just chose to stop loving me; he turned it off.

Yah, normal people don’t work that way.

May be an image of text

As I continue to read the posts by the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery page on FB, I continue to see how I fit almost every single thing said about victims and EL fits almost every single thing about someone with NPD. It helps me feel less alone and less of a freakshow. I mean, I’m obviously not the only one who endured the things I did. There’s a sense of peace in that.

Today, I’m so very thankful that I didn’t lose more of my life to that monster. Today, I’m thankful that I didn’t lose more of myself to it. Today, I’m thankful that I’m getting healthier every day.

I wish I could help every single person who’s still a victim to such cruelties, but I know that I can’t force anyone to understand they’re trapped in hell; they have to come to that on their own. I guess that’s why I keep posting about it – in hopes that I might help someone figure out that what they’re experiencing is not normal, nor is it healthy. I want to save someone from the nightmare I experienced.

Playing Nurse

So, I had two things I wanted to talk to you about, but neither of them was a full-length post. So, you’re getting both in the same post. I’m going to start with the negative one so we can end on a positive note. If you want to skip the negative part, please feel free to skip down.

May be an image of text that says 'If you want to deeply hurt someone's soul beyond the capacity of any words known to man, just wait until they have developed a very personal and strong emotional bond to you. Pretend to love them and be their friend. Then, begin to emotionally abuse them, withdraw from them, devalue them, and discard them like they never existed and you will see a job well done. Inside the Mind of a Malignant Narcissist'

I saw this one today. Oh holy crap! I mean, I had read posts about “devaluing” before, but it finally clicked today.

Things were great with my narc… up until the day I moved in with him. It was like almost overnight, we didn’t like each other anymore. I didn’t know what had happened. Things had been so great, but almost instantly, it went bad.

I chalked it up to the fact that he lost his job shortly after I moved in. I mean, that can cause any man to go into a depression, right? I thought that once he got a new job, things would go back to normal for us.

*Side note – I later found out that his boss was the husband of one of his exes. My assumption is that once she realized that her husband had hired the narcissist who had destroyed her, she convinced her husband to fire the walking personality disorder.*

Putting these pieces together made it all make sense. No, he didn’t pull away from me because he had lost his job. He pulled away from me because that was part of the narc playbook.

And then I thought about all of my birthdays that I spent with him. I had my birthday about a month after I moved in with him. I had it alone. He already had a new job, and he decided to stay at work all evening. I was asleep before he even came home.

And the last birthday I had while I lived with him was one of the big reasons we ended.

Come to think about it, the only good birthday I had while I lived with him was the one that my mom and sister planned. Huh. How very like a narc to make my birthday all about him and an incredibly painful time.

I guess the good thing about all of this is that now I can once again enjoy my birthdays.

There is very good reason why I wrote this blog post while I lived with him. I thought if he read it, he would understand how completely unimportant he made me feel, and he would fix it. I didn’t understand that he loved making me feel important, and that my hurt feelings only made him happier.

Reading the above post gave me another measure of peace. Understanding all of the ins and outs of NPD has really helped me heal. It has helped me understand so many things that had happened during my time with my narc and a lot of things about myself.

Huh. So, not altogether negative?

Yay! Onto the good stuff (for the most part)!

So, we had an unexpected surprise, last week. D ended up getting… a minor procedure done (I’m not allowed to call it “emergency surgery”.) He’s at home, taking it easy. He’s fine – there should be no lasting effect, and we expect him to be fully healed in a couple of weeks. Yay! It was caught before it became serious, so I’m counting my blessings. Now if I could just convince him to listen to me the first time. It didn’t have to get as serious as it did, but… well, hopefully he’ll learn to listen to me. We’ll see.

It gave us a different dynamic this last weekend. Usually, we do things fairly evenly split, but I definitely had more responsibility. When we made dinner, he sat at the table and chopped while I did everything else. He normally sets up the equipment (Blu-Ray, video game equipment, etc.) I had to learn how to work all of it. It wasn’t hard, just new.

And we didn’t do anything out of the house. The weekends are our time to get out and have fun – kayaking, hiking, etc. We couldn’t even go for a walk (obviously!) When I began feeling house-bound, I ran to the grocery store and picked up some things we needed (and some we didn’t need.) I found some new alcohol that I wanted to try, so I picked them up. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to try it until after Chloe and Charlie are here, but it’ll still be fine by then.

But more than that, I felt like I was playing nurse. I mean, not wholly. He tended to his open wound (ick!) but I did a lot of other things to help him. He wasn’t exactly an invalid, but he did need extra help.

Here’s the thing – I’ve been with men who are complete babies when they’re sick. Not D. He just had… “a minor procedure” and he still insisted on doing some things on his own. So, he allowed me to help when he needed it, but I wasn’t a total slave to him (as a narcissist would want.) It was a really nice blend of trust in me and selflessness. I couldn’t have been happier with how it went.

Plus, one of my knees is having issues right now, so the downtime was probably good for it.

Yay! Win-win!

Huh. I guess this half wasn’t altogether positive, huh?

I guess that’s how life goes.

Delayed Realization

Dear Reader – once again, I feel like a slacker. Not totally, but somewhat. I haven’t posted in a while. I’m kinda thinking you’re going to need to get used to that. I mean, once the babies are here, I’m really not sure how often I’ll be posting – especially in the beginning. So, I’m doing it to get you used to it?

Okay, the reality is that I just haven’t made time. I’m a busy girl!

We’re finally in the house and settled in. YAY!!! I need to admit that we hired helpers. Holy cow! SO worth the money! We literally didn’t lift a thing. We labeled every box with the room where it belonged; all we had to do was the packing, labeling, taping, and the unpacking. It gave D peace of mind because I wasn’t lifting anything. It gave me peace of mind because he wasn’t lifting everything.

And we didn’t have to harass any of our loved ones to help us move. SO worth it!

You know that moment when you settle into a new house and realize that you need new things for your new house? You just didn’t need this thing in the old house, but you absolutely need it in this one? Yah, we had to do some shopping. So, after the boxes were all emptied, broken down, and stored, we went shopping to buy the things we needed. It was fun!

We took the weekend off, just to rest. We spent last night swimming in our new pool. No, I lied. We spent last night lazily floating in our new pool. Man, I love having a pool at my house!

Today, life went back to normal. Boo!

In my quiet moments, I realized something important: The trauma bond with my ex is broken. I never knew what a trauma bond was before, let alone understand the one that held me in a vice grip. After learning about it, I can absolutely say that what I shared with my ex was NOT love; it was a trauma bond that he very carefully created.

May be an image of text that says 'TRAUMA BONDS ARE CAUSED BY INCONSISTENCY IN RELATIONSHIPS. LOVE BOMBING FOLLOWED BY ABUSE, FOLLOWED BY MORE LOVE BOMBING, FOR EXAMPLE. THAT'S INCONSISTENCY. IT KEEPS PEOPLE KILTER AND CONTINUOUSLY LOOKING FOR A WAY TO GET BACK THE GOOD FEELINGS. THE LITTLE SHAMAN'

I had no idea that he was intentionally cycling me through abuse to trauma bond me to him. I walked around on eggshells, trying desperately not to set him off, trying desperately to keep him happy so we could stay in the good period. I had no idea that even if I could have done and said absolutely everything right, he would have fabricated something to be pissed about so he could treat me badly, furthering the trauma bond.

I was constantly off kilter – wondering if we were going to have a good or a bad day, based on his ever-fluctuation mood swings. I had no say in what kind of day we were going to have; I just had to go along with his emotional whims and try to survive it.

May be an image of text that says 'Trauma bonds are exactly what they sound like: bonds that are formed between people by trauma. And they are strong. Unlike love, bonding is both a biological and emotional process. Bonds don't fade over time. You can't "fall out of bond" the way you can fall out out of love. Bonding survives, even when you don't love the person anymore, or even like them. These bonds have to be broken in order to move on and heal. The Little Shaman'

If you’ve never been trauma bonded – lucky you! That shit’s a BITCH! Logically, I knew he was a monster. Intellectually, I understood that he would never change, and I would never be happy with him. I left him, and I went no contact, but I couldn’t break the “connection.” I believed that we were connected through time and space. I believed that we were soul mates. I believed that we were meant to be, and that what I was feeling for him was our ethereal bond.

What bullshit!

Now I understand that this “bond” between us was actually some demented form of torture by a psychopath who didn’t value me as a human, but as something that would feed his twisted narcissitic needs. Today I understand that the “connection” we had was intentionally made to destroy me.

May be an image of one or more people and text that says 'DELAYED REALIZATION Many survivors of narcissistic abuse experienced a "Delayed Realization", when they could finally see how wrong they had been treated only after they left the abuser for quite awhile. Because even after the victim ended the relationship with the abuser, most of them were still heavily trauma-bonded so they could not see the situation really clearly (yet). That's why NO CONTACT and education is crucial in the healing process for victim of narcissistic abuse'

Unfortunately, it took me YEARS to be able to break the trauma bond. I had as close to No Contact as was humanly possible. I blocked him from everything that I could, and never contacted him.

Honestly, I felt like I was broken. I still felt our “connection” despite the years of No Contact. It was HORRIBLE! I knew that he was a piece of shit, yet I felt like a part of me still belonged to him. I worried that I would never be able to carve that part of me out, and it destroyed me! It was awful to be in a relationship with other men, but still feel like I belonged to my ex. I had no idea how to make it stop.

And then I joined the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery group on Facebook. Slowly (OH so slowly!) I started learning more about narcissists and how I was altered by the specific form of abuse my narc battered me with. I started understanding how NONE of it was my fault. I learned that all of my reactions to him were perfectly normal (for the situation) and that I didn’t do anything wrong. I started to forgive and love myself again.

And I really began hating him. Seeing his treatment of me in black and white, reliving the horrors I endured, having my reactions normalized, and seeing it all from a detached stance has changed my life me more than I can tell you.

Months of being bombarded with information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and the monsters who live like that) has finally broken the bond.

*Can you hear the angelic choir singing right now?*

I wonder if you can comprehend the impact that it had on me? It’s over. It’s finally over. I know I’ve said that before. And, I was right. At each stage, it was over in some way or another.

I didn’t want to tell you about the lasting bond. I was ashamed. Logically, I knew it was over and could never be. I wasn’t in love with him, nor did I like him in anyway. Yet I couldn’t break the bond. I had just accepted the fact that it would always be there, with him being my soul mate and all. I had learned to love other men, that bond always lingering in the background. It SUCKED! It made me feel like a fraud. How could I give my heart to men when I was still linked to my ex? But, since I would always have that bond to him, there wasn’t anything else I could do, as long as I didn’t want to live my life single.

To have it gone is so completely freeing.

Now I know that, were I to see him again, it wouldn’t cause me any pain or confusion. I wouldn’t miss him. I wouldn’t wonder what to do. I wouldn’t be tormented.

He’s 100% in my past, and he has no more control over me.

Now, all of me belongs to my husband, and that feels really good. I’ve been sleeping so much better!

I’m so thankful that D was patient with me while I worked through all of it. He was loving, supportive, and understanding.

What a difference – to love and be genuinely loved and treated with respect and kindness! To not have my days dictated by a narc but to support each other through our tough times, to not be bound by a personality disorder but by love and respect, to be able to be wholly myself and know that I won’t be punished for it is such a lovely way to live!

Dear Reader – I hope you have half of the happiness and peace I’ve found. If you’re in a relationship that makes you cry more than laugh, please know that you deserve better. Someone who will treat you right is out there, looking for you.

Not Obsessed

You know that I joined a FB group for survivors of narcissitic abuse, right? I’ve found it SO helpful! It has helped me understand who he is and what he did to me, and it has helped me do a lot of healing. I keep thinking that I’ve gotten all I need from the group, but then I see something else that hits me straight to my core.

Last week, D was out of town. It sucked. A lot. I missed him, and I was looking forward to having him home.

Here’s the thing – I wasn’t beside myself missing him. Yes, I missed him a lot, and I would prefer to have him home, but I functioned just fine without him here.

When I look back to my time with my worst narcissist, I see a clear difference. I barely knew how to live life without him. I didn’t feel like a whole person.

The recovery group has helped me understand the difference.

May be a black-and-white image of one or more people and text that says 'There is a major release of dopamine with intermittent reinforcement, and it is central to addiction. Intimacy with a narcissist leads to the release of oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone" or "love hormone' because it promotes feelings of bonding and connection.'
May be an image of text that says 'Trauma bonding Traumatic bonding occurs due to the cyclical nature of abuse and the emotional roller coaster the victim goes through due to abuse The alternating phase of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are hard to change.'

My narcissist had purposefully and intentionally trauma bonded me to him. He had me believing that I couldn’t live my life without him, even for a short time. He made me reliant on him for so many things that l believed I NEEDED him.

It was sick and codependent. It wasn’t love.

With D, it’s different. He empowers me. Of course, he wants us bonded, but for healthy reasons, not out of manipulation and control. Instead of wanting what’s best for him, he wants what’s best for us. When he’s gone, I miss his presence, but it’s more just because my he isn’t with me, not because I can’t function without him. Instead of my solo days being torturous, they were a merely bit lonely. Heck, I was even quite productive and did some self-care that I hadn’t done in a while. It was a positive experience.

What a difference!

The great thing about this is I don’t dread his next business trip because I know it’s not a bad thing.

And it was a good reminder of what I have, as opposed to what I was trapped in.

Yay me!

Not Celebrating Crappy Fathers!

Oh my heavens – yesterday was AMAZING!! For my entire life, I’ve felt obligated to celebrate a man because one of his sperm successfully broke into an egg. Seriously. Ick!

My father had moments of being a decent father… before I got a mind of my own. He hasn’t treated me well since then. And yet, I still had to try to make his Father’s Day a good one. … Because he deserved it?? Gross!

And then I married. It should have been wonderful, right? Yah, no. They say we marry our fathers. Yah, my husband had moments of being a decent father… before my children could talk back to him. I think he probably still has some redeeming qualities, but he’s not the world’s greatest dad (not even close.) When I left him, I was so glad that I never had to try to make him feel special or appreciated ever again.

And then there was my latest abuser. Had I not celebrated his Father’s Day, there would have been hell to pay. He never celebrated my motherhood, but God forbid I not go all out to make him feel special! (No, I’m not resentful at all!)

Yesterday was a breath of fresh air! D and I don’t share any kids yet, but we are both parents of our own kids. Not only that, but we respect each other’s parenthood. We’re both looking forward to becoming parents together.

I was able to celebrate a man who’s fatherhood I actually appreciate. He raised his son on his own, and he did an amazing job! His son impresses me every time I see him. The relationship they share is healthy and mature. I really enjoy seeing them together. And D’s son appreciates him. It’s really cool to witness; it gives me hope that he will be a great father to our children.

The funny thing is – while I was all geared up to celebrate D’s fatherhood, his son called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me the plans he had for his father for the day. lol I didn’t have to do anything because his son took charge of most of the day.

To my surprise, they wanted me to join them on their day. I had assumed that it would be just the two of them, so I had planned on having a quiet day to myself. Nope! I was part of the festivities! I was really touched that they BOTH wanted me there. Yay me!

We went out to brunch, and then we took a ferry to the Hoh Rainforest for a hike. On the way home, we swung by and picked up dinner to enjoy at the house (the signs of moving are everywhere!) We enjoyed a nice meal together.

I actually felt kinda guilty because after the big deal D had made about Mother’s Day, I all I really did for him was buy him a card and a book (granted, it was a REALLY cool book that he has wanted for a while, but still.) He said that having me beside him during his day was more than enough.

I still think I need to do something special for him this week to let him know how much I appreciate and respect him. Maybe I’ll do the things I had planned on doing for him anyway.

Falling asleep in his arms, it made me happy that I would never again have to celebrate a crappy father. I have a good man in my life, and I’m going to make sure he knows how thankful I am that he’s a part of my life. lol He even makes Father’s Day better for me!

Bear’s Odd Tricks

I’ve mentioned that Bear has learned to close the back door when she comes in the house, right? The real trick is teaching D to leave it open just a bit so Bear can push it open to let herself in. Otherwise, we have to get up and let her in (ugh!)

We have (mostly) trained her to close the door “nicely.” When she first started to understand that we wanted her to close the door, she would stand up on her hind feet and put all of her weight into closing the door (completely unnecessary.) She slammed the door a number of times. It got to the point that I was afraid she was going to break the glass in the door.

To teach her to close it “nicely” we now offer one treat if she closes the door, but two if she doesn’t slam it. She’s gotten really good about not putting her weight into it. Sometimes, she still struggles with it, but for the most part, she’s pretty good about it.

lol It’s all kinda moot because D is having doggie doors installed into the house, as well as a really great fence around the property. But, this is our life right now. I’d rather she not break the glass before we move out.

But wait! There’s more!

Now when we leave the door open for her, she comes in, looks at me from near the door, makes sure that I’m paying attention to her, and then she goes back to the door and closes it. Kinda like – “Ya watchin’? Ya payin’ attention? I’m doin’ a thing here. I want a treat for this!”

The thing is, if one of us is standing there to let her in, she gets one of her little mass-manufactured treats. But, if I’m on the couch and she closes the door without anyone asking her to, she gets one of the chicken cookies that I buy at her groomer’s shop (because that’s what’s close, and I’m too lazy to walk ALL THE WAY over to the door to get her a treat.)

Her little face when she does that makes me giggle. “Ya watchin’?”

But, there’s something else I’ve noticed recently – she likes it when I get packages.

Due to having a new puppy, I’ve been spending more money than normal (I REALLY need to stop that!) Due to having more money than I’m used to, I’ve been spending more money than normal (seriously – get a grip, Self!) Due to the pandemic, I’ve been doing most of that shopping online and getting a RIDICULOUS number of deliveries.

Most of what I’ve bought for Bear has been delivered to our doorstep. Quite often, I pick up the package, bring it in, and Bear is right there, waiting to see what is in the package FOR HER. The problem is, most of the time, there is something in it for her.

Yikes!

Yesterday, she was at the front door, whimpering. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering her (I really want to get her a sibling – I think that would stop a lot of the whining!) I looked outside, but there weren’t any cars or dogs being walked or anything. I had already taken her for a walk. She had just come in from the back yard. What was the problem?

Things started mentally clicking for me, and I asked her if we got a package (I will probably faint if she ever answers me!) I looked outside, and – sure enough – there was a package. The funny thing is, there wasn’t anything in it for her. Poor puppy! She was so excited when I opened it, but then so disappointed when I told her there wasn’t anything for her in it. But, she knew that we had a package, and she was letting me know so I could fetch it for her! Ugh – she has me trained well, huh?

Her intelligence amazes me!

Maybe it’s those stupid games I buy her. Did you know you can buy games for dogs to help exercise their minds? We have a number of them. Her favorite one is the one where it is a three-step process. She has to remove the bone because it blocks the sliding thing from moving. Once she removes the bone (and gets the treat), she lifts the lid to the box (and gets the treat), and then she closes the lid and slides the box to get the third treat. It’s amazing to watch her do it so methodically. Yes, we’ve bought more games for her, since she obviously has this one figured out. She seems to have the hardest time with the ones where she has to grab a string and pull. For some reason, that confounds her!

But, I wonder if those games have made her smarter?

Man vs Blanket

Okay. I have a confession. I miss D. He’s on a business trip, and I miss him already. He’s been gone since… yesterday. Ugh! I’m pathetic!

You know when you get used to having someone there? It’s just weird when he’s not there.

I’m wondering if it’ll be different once we get into the new house. Right now, this still feels like his house. Yes, it’s my home, but it’s his house. Of course, he’s tried to assure me that it’s my house too, but it just doesn’t feel like ours. Hopefully the new house will feel more like it’s ours. Right now, I just feel like I’m crashing at my boyfriend’s house, and he isn’t here. It’s a weird feeling.

Oh wait – back to missing him.

I’m so used to walking into his office to wrap my arms around his shoulder and give him a squeeze. Or sharing funny FaceBook things with him. Or sitting in his lap as we watch TV together. Or any other number of things that have just become a part of my daily life that involve him. It’s weird to go through my day without him being there to share it with me.

So, I crawled into bed last night. Solo. I thought about bringing Bear into bed with me. She normally sleeps in her kennel, but I was willing to break the rules while he’s gone. I was laying there, wondering if I wanted to go to my mom’s house for the week. It just felt so weird being here by myself. I wasn’t afraid – just lonely.

And then I remembered my weighted blanket.

Okay. Stay with me here.

When I was first looking into weighted blankets, I saw someone say, “It feels just like a hug!” When I first got the blanket, I very quickly decided that it did not feel like a hug. Not anything like it. Whoever said that is weird!

But, I pulled out the stupid blanket and threw it (with great difficulty) onto the bed. I crawled in, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t missing him as much. IT WAS SUPER WEIRD!!! No, it still doesn’t feel like a hug, but somehow it gave me the same comforting feeling that I get when he’s in bed with me. SO WEIRD!

I still miss him, but all of a sudden, going to bed without him didn’t feel as lonely. Waking up without him made me sad, but I know it’s only for a few days and that it doesn’t happen very often. Maybe I can wear the blanket around the house with me until he’s home? Hmmm…

I’m seriously amazed at how quickly he just became a natural part of my days and nights.

I miss him!

So Many Appointments!

Holy cow! I’d forgotten about all of the doctor’s appointments with pregnancies! Oh my goodness!

Unfortunately, I get to have EXTRA appointments, due to a plethora of reasons.

The twins. Obviously. It’s more complicated this time since there’s one instead of two.

My age. Ugh! I’m having what they call a “geriatric pregnancy.” Honestly, it would have been considered that 10 years ago. This all makes me feel so freakin’ old!

And I’m losing weight too fast. I mean, I’m not supposed to be losing weight at all. Last week, I ate pizza, burgers, cookies, and candy but I’m still losing weight. Rawr!

With all of the specialists I’m seeing, I’ve had to go to a number of different locations. Thankfully, D has been sweet to take me to all of my appointments. He can’t go in to most of them, which totally sucks (damned pandemic) but he drives me and then we FaceTime so he’s kinda there. So far, we’ve driven to 1 location twice and two locations once each. I will have to go back to each of those at least twice more.

And that’s if everything goes according to plan.

Ugh!

The plus side is that I can feel the babies now. I mean, I’ve been able to feel them moving, but I can feel them externally now and D can feel them too, which is fun. I often feel more than just a foot or a hand – as if Chloe is shoving Charlie away from her with her feet. If her shoving is this extreme now, I wonder how cramped she’ll feel in a few month’s time. Ugh! I’m not looking forward to that. (I assume it’s her because during the first ultra sound, she was the one who wouldn’t settle down while Charlie just wanted to nap in peace.)

Huh. Sounds familiar. My first kids were the same (just not at the same time.)

Other than the weight loss, things are going very well. The babies are growing as they should, and all of the tests have looked good. We’re more than half way there. Yay!

lol I had to take D to a doctor’s appointment of his own. He got re-snipped. This time, we’re going to get him checked every now and then to make sure that we won’t have any more wonderful surprises. We don’t regret this pregnancy, but we agree that this is the last one we want.

Yay for being on the same page!

Not Quite Yet

Holy crap, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning, waiting for my parents to wake!

The house is ours. We have the keys. But we can’t move in. I mean, we could, but we’ve opted not to. Ugh! This sucks!

D wants to make a whole lot of improvements to it, and he doesn’t want me there while the workers are there. I think he’s become over protective, but it’s not like this house isn’t comfortable or safe, so it’s fine.

I have to admit, I’m fairly stoked about the changes.

The first one is central air. I’ve never lived in a home that has AC before, and I’m SO looking forward to it! No more struggling to sleep due to being too hot. We can keep the house at whatever temperature we want (which, of course, is up for debate – ugh!)

He’s having everything made “smart.” He said that it’s a good financial choice. By wiring everything so that our devises can control it, we will be more efficient. He’s getting all new appliances (energy efficient, of course.) lol The stupid fridge is ridiculous! He claims it would be increase the value of the home, should we ever want to sell, but I think he just wanted an excuse to spoil me. Wait… that sounds more like his mother. Huh. No I wonder if she had something to do with the appliance choices.

Of course, with everything that’s happening, he’s having cameras put everywhere – inside and out. He will literally be able to see every inch of our property from his computer (lol – or the fridge!)

He’s getting the pool put in, as well as creating a space for the garden for next year (it’s really too late to try gardening this year.) He’s having the babies’ rooms painted (we’ve decided to put them in separate rooms in hopes that they won’t wake each other.) He soundproofing our room, but wiring the rest of the house for sound so we can push a button and hear the babies from anywhere.

All in all, the changes are worth it. But the waiting is so hard!

I’m so stinkin’ excited. No, the house isn’t MINE and mine alone. I was planning on buying a home on my own. This isn’t that. This is… different. Not better, not worse. I put some of my own money in, so this house is partly mine. I have bought this house together with the man of my dreams. We are creating this life together.

I’m ready to start that life now. I know that we already have, but somehow, moving into OUR house will just make it seem so much more complete. I will finally have the life I’ve always wanted – a good man who loves me, a home of my own, and two babies on the way who will give me a second chance to be a good mother. I am very thankful for what I have and where my life is going.

I’m just being super impatient about this one piece.

Prey

Sigh Dear Reader. Did you know that abuse escalates? Emotional abuse will escalate to physical which will escalate to murder, if it is allowed to go unchecked. It’s actually really scary. The escalation happens so gradually that the victim often won’t recognize that it is escalating.

In one of my relationships, he used to charge at me with rage in his eyes, his entire body threatening that he was going to physically injure me in some way. I didn’t recognize that the abuse was escalating (physical intimidation is a clear sign that physical abuse is eminent.) Looking back now, I feel so stupid for staying with him after he did something so horrific. But, I’ve come to understand why I did, and I’ve forgiven myself.

In another one of my relationships, he punched a wall when he was angry at me. I recognized that as a red flag, and I ran.

My stalker has been relatively quiet for a few months now. I kept thinking that he was going to find some odd reason to reach out to me (I assumed it would be about my dog, of whom he has custody.)

Sadly, my stalker’s son recently passed away. He did reach out to let me know, but the phone call was less than 60 seconds. I went to the wake, not for him, but for myself and my son (who considered the little boy his brother.)

While at the wake, my stalker confided in my son that he recognized the fact that he was completely alone. When my son told me this, I immediately feared that my stalker would try to insert himself into my life somehow.

Unfortunately, I was right. He’s contacted my son a couple of times since, actually stating that he was using my son as a middle man so that I wouldn’t think he was trying to interfere with my life. Making my son be a go-between is interfering with my life.

I had the sneaking suspicion that it wouldn’t end there. Again, I thought it would be about my dog.

It was actually much, much scarier.

I opened my email one day to see that my Zoosk profile had been “unpaused.” Here’s the thing – I had my Zoosk profile for about half an hour – just long enough for me to set it up and then realize that I would have to pay money to send or read messages (not doing that!) I “paused” it and then promptly forgot about it. They never sent me any emails or anything, so it had been completely forgotten… until I received an email saying that it was unpaused.

Thinking maybe it had met a certain time frame and unpaused itself, I paused it again. (Why do they make it so hard to cancel an online dating profile?!) Within minutes, it was unpaused again.

Yah. That was my stalker.

Here’s the thing – when he and I were together, I used the same password for everything. He needed my password at one point. When he began stalking me, he used my password to sign into my accounts using my password, stalking me that way. I had created the Zoosk profile before I realized what he was doing. He used that password to sign in as me and get my profile up and running again. Creepy, right?

But wait! It gets worse!

I never told him about that profile. As far as I know, he had no way of knowing about it.

Let that sink in for a moment.

How many random sites was he going to, entering my email address and my password, just checking to see if it worked (since I figured out what he was doing, I changed all of my passwords – except for the sites I’d forgotten I even had, obviously)? That’s so super creepy! How desperate is this guy?

I mean, I get it. He lost his son. I can’t even imagine losing a child. He’s pretty much completely alone right now He’s lonely and desperate. I get it.

Not my problem.

He’s alone because he’s a horrible person. Were he a good man, he would have been able to keep any of the women he’d had in his life, instead of them all running, screaming from him. He’s chosen this life for himself. Every time he abused a woman, he chose to be alone.

I am still human – I feel pity for him for losing his son.

But that’s where it ends. He’s alone by his own making. I will not allow him into my life because of that tiny bit of pity.

But, the stalking is definitely escalating, something which scares both D and I. He brought out his copy of “The Gift of Fear” so we can figure out how to best handle the situation. I’m so thankful my stalker has no idea where I live! But, he does know where my office is. I’m almost never there, but he could lay in wait for me there and attack me when I do show up. D has offered to hire a body guard, which I’ve declined. I kinda wonder if he will hire one anyway.

Honestly, I don’t I hate the idea. While this pregnancy wasn’t planned, D and I are both over the moon about our new little bundles of joy.

The sad truth is, I am worried that my stalker might do something that would hurt the babies. I can even picture him doing something intentionally to hurt them.

Maybe I should take D up on the body guard – someone who can be discrete. Just to keep the babies safe.

I wonder if my stalker now knows that he’s a cause for fear. Would that make him happy? Proud? Pleased with himself?

Why can’t stalkers understand how those they stalk feel about them? Or, is that their goal?

Yah, I think a body guard would be helpful. Can you order one just as needed, or will we need to hire one full time? I mean, I feel safe at home. I would only need protection while I’m out and about. With the pandemic still raging, I seldom go out, and even less when D isn’t with me.

Yah, I’ll let D hire some protection for the babies.

It’s really a shame that my stalker has become this. I never would have imagined this. It makes me so sad that this is who he is now.

And yet it makes me so glad that I finally saw how awful he is and was able to escape. I no longer have to deal with his cruelty every day.

Yay?

Maybe someday he’ll finally leave me alone for good.