Twarted by Mom?

My mother is one of my best friends.  Sometimes, I wonder if that is the best thing for me.

Alright – here it is.  Are you ready?

*Deep breath*

I’m bi-curious.  I’ve dated women, but I’ve never ended up kissing any of them.  So, as such, I don’t think I can actually call myself bi-sexual.  Sometimes, I wonder if I’m full-on lesbian, but, having not been with a woman, I can’t really verify that.

My mother knows, and she DOES NOT approve.  She figures that – if I’m bi, I might as well date a man, right?  I suppose that makes sense, but I just feel like I would be limiting myself.  I mean, what if my soul mate is a woman?

Here’s where it gets tricky:  My mother is afraid that my highly Christian family won’t approve, either.  I haven’t come out to them at my mother’s request.  (Can you tell very few of my family members actually read my blog?)

And the plot thickens when I say that by me coming out, it would make the life of a loved one much easier.

Why is this all coming up now?  Because I’m lonely.  No, not just because my son isn’t home.  I miss having someone to care about, someone to cuddle with at night, someone to make my heart flutter.  I see movies where people fall in love and I want that.  I see older couples who know and accept each other as is and I want to experience that.  I hear love songs where someone is loved completely and I want to feel that.

And then I made a stupid move; I looked online.  I have an account on a dating website.  Right now, it’s set up for men to find me.  Every once in a while, I do a search to see if there are any women in my area who interest me.  I ran a quick check, and there is someone.  A woman who seems like she would be a good fit.  Unfortunately, I never make the first move and she can’t see me, so a connection isn’t possible.

Unless I step outside of my mother’s comfort box and created a profile to make myself available to women, as well.

And then I swing back to, “I’m too busy to date, anyway.”

I’ve been too busy for a very long time, now.  It never seems to end.  When do I put that excuse away and put myself out there?


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