Still Stinging
So, I’m such a big talker, but the truth is, I’m still hurt. Actually, I go through waves, ebbing and flowing between anger, hurt, disappointment, and self-empowerment.
And this is why I don’t date. I love my drama-free life. I have worked hard to create a calm, peaceful, loving, predictable world around me. I do very well in my little world, and I’m happy. Why, oh why do I try to screw with that by dating?!
Like most single people, I do get lonely. As far as I can tell, that’s the only reason. Sure, I’ve got my son, my mother, and my sister, but that’s not the same as having a partner. There’s something about have a Someone that seems to make life easier.
This morning, I figured out the problem. I am a great girlfriend. I am patient, loving, fun, understanding, blah, blah, blah. The problem is that I am terrible at dating. I am suspicious, scared, and just not knowledgeable enough in the dating world to know all of the appropriate ways to behave. Do I call? Do I not? Do I say how I’m feeling or keep it to myself? Do I …? I just don’t have enough experience in dating to know how to behave, so I don’t make a good impression.
Unfortunately, if I want to have a Someone, I have to plow my way through dating.
It makes sense to stop online dating. I just don’t think that’s the way for me to go (I closed my accounts a few days ago). I mean, first off, I’m fat. The guys who I would want don’t want me because of my weight. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to those who are interested in me. It doesn’t help that I have been told I am much prettier in person (meaning my pictures make me look ugly). Ugh! And then, to make things worse, I am a really odd duck. I don’t drink, I don’t watch TV, and I’m a flexitarian. A lot of men want nothing to do with any one of those, let alone the combination of all three.
Before my date on Friday, I told a co-worker that I was nervous about my date. He said, “Just be yourself,” meaning that in person, I’m a great catch. So, it makes sense that I need to get to know someone before I start dating him. The problem is, I don’t meet people in my life. My boss has made it clear that I’m not allowed to date any of my co-workers. I don’t go to church. Heck, I don’t go anywhere. Meeting someone at the grocery store seems really weird.
So, basically, I’m going to die alone. I guess I just need to be okay with that.
Or, I need to work on getting published. Maybe once I’m published I’ll have more venues in which to meet my Someone. So, I’ll focus on my career, which is what I should be doing anyway. I’ve been writing every day. That’s a good start, right?
publicinhiding 