Better

I feel like I need to apologize.  My recent posts were all written during some free time on one day, and that wasn’t my happiest of days.  I kinda feel like I need to un-post them, but when I look back at my old posts, I always like seeing where I was.  That’s where I was, so they stay.  Hopefully I didn’t lose any of you.

Today, I’m better.   Yay!

Actually, I’m really happy today.  It feels good to be happy again.  I think a part of it has to do with the fact that I finally got some sleep last night.  I’m such a baby when it comes to a lack of sleep!

Today, I was thinking about the end of my marriage.  My husband and I decided to try counseling.  Obviously, things weren’t going well, so maybe spending some time in a professional’s chair spilling our guts would help, right?  Yah – not so much.  I only came out of there with two things: 1) You’re married until the ink on your divorce is dry (apparently, he didn’t hear that one as clearly as I did, but oh well), and 2) The only reason to marry someone is because you want to be a better person when you’re around that person.  Not that the other person wants to change you or you want to change the other person – that you want to be a better person just because this person is in your life.  Having children, loving each other, not wanting to spend your life apart – none of those are good reasons to marry.  Looking back, I wonder if she was trying to tell us that we didn’t belong together, that there was no hope for us, that we needed to divorce.  Regardless, I’ve held on to those two ideas all these years.

This morning, I realized that I have finally found that.  I want to be a better person because of my guy.  Not that I want to pull the wool over his eyes and hide my bad traits, not that I want to temporarily change them until I get my hooks into him – I honestly want to change my negative habits to become a better person.

And it’s exhausting!

One of my flaws is that I’m not as tidy as I’d like to be.  For about a year, I’ve wanted to change it, but haven’t really put much effort into it.  Now that he’s in my life, I’ve been putting much more effort into it.  I’m still not even close to perfect, but I’m much closer.  Instead of waiting until the last minute and then scrambling to make my house look as tidy as possible in a short amount of time, I’m actually putting effort into keeping my house clean between times that he sees it.  It makes it easier to put the finishing touches on it right before he comes, but I do have a lot less free time.  😦  That’s okay.  This is a change I’ve been wanting to make for a while.  I just need to figure it all out now.  My mother isn’t the tidiest person around, so I’m needing to figure this one out on my own.

I also want to fix my weight.  With all of my previous men, I’ve always just figured – if they don’t want me as-is, they know where the door is.  With him, I want to be skinnier, healthier, and sexier.  Part of it is that he’s a healthy weight, which makes me feel really heavy.  I’ve always dated bigger men, so his size does encourage me to try to reduce mine.  But, it’s more than just the aesthetics of it.  I want to have as much time with him as I can.  Being overweight leads to all sorts of health issues, most of which can be prevented by a lower BMI.  If I can have more time with him and a better quality of life during that time, it would make both of us happier.

It just feels really good to know that I’ve found someone for whom I want to be a better person.  I’ve found a man I am fit to marry – the eternal bachelor.

C’mon – it’s funny!

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