Today marks eleven months since Mr. Camper and I agreed to be exclusive. Wow! What a whirlwind! When I started dating to find a partner, I told myself that I would take it slowly – that I wouldn’t rush into anything. And here I sit, 11 months in, already co-habitating with him for almost half of that time. Lol.
I won’t be able to be with him today and I think that it’s making me extra pensive. Today I find myself trying desperately to remember our beginning. My memory is worse than my mother’s (that’s really bad – let me tell you!) so I only have flashes of memories. A late night online conversation where he sounded too good to be true. Desperately trying to flirt with him on our first date without coming on too strong (I still wonder how much of an idiot I looked like). Our first kiss (a perfect memory for a last first kiss). Our first make-out session (I felt like a teenager all over again!) And the rest is all kind of a blur.
I feel like I’ve lost something. Due to technical glitches, we lost our first messages to each other, which makes me sorrowful. I’d love to go back and read all of those. Reading my past helps me regain lost memories, and the fact that I don’t have access to those e-mails makes me quite sad. I wonder how long we chatted before we actually met. I wonder how much of a silly little girl I sounded like (I tend to get that way when I’m all twitterpated and crap.) I wonder what he was thinking and how he was feeling during that time. Granted, our e-mails wouldn’t tell me that, but I think it might give me more insight than I have now.
I do still have my blogs from back then, so I can go back and read my thoughts and feelings, but that’s all just the overall picture. No facts. I first mentioned him and named him on June 22nd. How long had we been chatting by that point? Long enough that I felt like I needed to include him with the other men I was considering. Did it happen as fast as it seems?
I did go back and read some of my old blogs. I’m glad I have those. Reading them brought back those giddy feelings I had. I can remember hoping he liked me as much as I liked him, but being afraid to say anything. I remember thinking he was too good to be true one moment and then being afraid that I wouldn’t be good enough for him the next. I was anxious to spend every moment with him that I could, to just have him look at me with those eyes – those pale green eyes.
It seems like so very long ago, but it was less than a year ago. In less than a year, we’ve become that old married couple (minus the legality of it all.) We’ve comfortably settled into coupledom and feel at ease sharing space with one another. It feels like we’ve known each other for years and like nothing can rip us apart (we’ve been through some ugly stuff, and we’re still together, so I’m very hopeful).
As happens, all of that early giddiness has faded to a comfortable peace and companionship. No longer do I look up into his eyes to see the tiny black pinprick spot in his left eye. No longer do I fear whether or not he feels as I feel. No longer do I get all dolled up for him every time I see him.
I still get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me slowly and tenderly. I still anxiously wait by the phone for him to call. I still feel like a vibrant, attractive woman when he takes me out on a date.
While I miss the giddiness of the early weeks and months, many of the changes are for the better. Now, I know that he loves me. Now I know that he thinks I’m beautiful (and that he doesn’t like a lot of eye make-up – yay!) Now I understand that this amazing man has chosen me over all other women. Now I feel cherished when he opens the car door for me because I know he does it to make me feel special (and to steal a kiss from me). Now I’m thankful for the security that comes from a committed relationship with an honest, loving man.
And now I know what it feels like to be lusted after by a super hot guy. Hubba hubba!
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