Our household received a letter yesterday which, frankly, has put me into a tailspin.
A few months back, I was handed a death sentence for the love I shared with my ex. I was told that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder by someone who knew him and was qualified to give such a diagnosis. Someone with NPD is unable to change because they are unable to see their flaws, and therefor don’t see a reason to change. There simply is no hope of someone with NPD ever changing.
I knew that I could no longer be with him because I wasn’t willing to tolerate his treatment of me, and he was not only unwilling, but unable to change. It broke my heart into a million pieces – pieces which I am still finding laying about here and there.
Yesterday, I received a letter from my ex stating that the diagnosis I was given for him was wrong. He had been telling me for years that he has ADHD. Okay – so you fidget. Get a spinner or whatever. I never really put much thought into it. It turns out that someone with ADHD is very often confused with someone with NPD. The symptoms can be very similar.
The difference is – someone with ADHD is quite capable of change – with meds, with a concentration on focus, and/or with a desire to change.
I’ve (obviously) done a lot of reading on it today to verify if he was just pulling my chain, or if what he’s saying might actually be true. It turns out, it’s accurate.
So… who’s to say that we suffered at the hands of his ADHD and not because of NPD? I looked into that too. One doctor gave one diagnosis, another two threw it out. Who’s right? I delved further into NPD. It turns out that one major difference between the two is someone with NPD has a lack of empathy for anyone or anything.
Yah – that’s not my ex. He feels very deeply for others. He’s an animal lover, he absolutely adores his son, and when we had to thin out the garden, he made me do it because he couldn’t stand the thought of killing all of those innocent baby plants.
In his letter to me, he spoke of a moment of enlightenment. Might he be able to change? Would he be able to make enough changes so we could… ?
Nope. Stop. I already grieved this guy once and shut that door.
But, what if his shrinks are right? What if he can get better? What if…? I mean, it’s not like either of us decided we were over – that was decided for us.
I looked into having a relationship with someone with ADHD. It turns out that it can be absolute hell. DUH! But, with treatment, they can be absolutely wonderful to share a life with.
Ugh! This is so messing with my head right now! I thought I was over this guy. This letter brought a very unwelcome sliver of hope into my world that I really don’t want right now. Plus, I moved. I have a job and a life far away from him. I already gave that up for him once, and look at how that turned out! Would I really want to put myself through all of that again?
Maybe… if he could be the good version of himself, it might be worth it…
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