Wrong Diagnosis?

Our household received a letter yesterday which, frankly, has put me into a tailspin.

A few months back, I was handed a death sentence for the love I shared with my ex.  I was told that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder by someone who knew him and was qualified to give such a diagnosis.  Someone with NPD is unable to change because they are unable to see their flaws, and therefor don’t see a reason to change.  There simply is no hope of someone with NPD ever changing.

I knew that I could no longer be with him because I wasn’t willing to tolerate his treatment of me, and he was not only unwilling, but unable to change.  It broke my heart into a million pieces – pieces which I am still finding laying about here and there.

Yesterday, I received a letter from my ex stating that the diagnosis I was given for him was wrong.  He had been telling me for years that he has ADHD.  Okay – so you fidget.  Get a spinner or whatever.  I never really put much thought into it.  It turns out that someone with ADHD is very often confused with someone with NPD.  The symptoms can be very similar.

The difference is – someone with ADHD is quite capable of change – with meds, with a concentration on focus, and/or with a desire to change.

I’ve (obviously) done a lot of reading on it today to verify if he was just pulling my chain, or if what he’s saying might actually be true.  It turns out, it’s accurate.

So… who’s to say that we suffered at the hands of his ADHD and not because of NPD?  I looked into that too.  One doctor gave one diagnosis, another two threw it out.  Who’s right?  I delved further into NPD.  It turns out that one major difference between the two is someone with NPD has a lack of empathy for anyone or anything.

Yah – that’s not my ex.  He feels very deeply for others.  He’s an animal lover, he absolutely adores his son, and when we had to thin out the garden, he made me do it because he couldn’t stand the thought of killing all of those innocent baby plants.

In his letter to me, he spoke of a moment of enlightenment.  Might he be able to change?  Would he be able to make enough changes so we could… ?

Nope.  Stop.  I already grieved this guy once and shut that door.

But, what if his shrinks are right?  What if he can get better?  What if…?  I mean, it’s not like either of us decided we were over – that was decided for us.

I looked into having a relationship with someone with ADHD.  It turns out that it can be absolute hell.  DUH!  But, with treatment, they can be absolutely wonderful to share a life with.

Ugh!  This is so messing with my head right now!  I thought I was over this guy.  This letter brought a very unwelcome sliver of hope into my world that I really don’t want right now.  Plus, I moved.  I have a job and a life far away from him.  I already gave that up for him once, and look at how that turned out!  Would I really want to put myself through all of that again?

Maybe… if he could be the good version of himself, it might be worth it…

UGH!!!

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My Best Friend

I’ve had the same best friend for a couple of decades.  We have this weird relationship.  We hardly ever see each other, but when we do, we always have a good time.  I think we both understand that we have busy lives, and we’ll get together when we are able.  It’s really nice that neither of us puts pressure or guilt on the other one to do more than we’re able.

We were able to get together this past weekend.  Remember the other day when I totally judged G for being almost an hour late.  Guess what I did to my best friend!  **hanging head in shame**  But, she tried to assure me that it was okay.

And once we got to chatting!  Oh my heavens!  Time flew!  Our waitress literally had to kick us out!  Oops!

As we were talking, we realized that while our lives are completely different right now (I live with my mom, but her mom lives with her – see!  Completely different!) they are also very similar where it counts.

We both are happy with where we’re at in our lives.  And yet scared.  What if something goes awry?  What if our dreams don’t come true?

I’m able to be completely honest, open, and vulnerable with her in ways that I haven’t with other people. That’s so huge! I know she won’t judge me, which makes me feel completely at ease. But she will support and love me through whatever I’m going through.

And she was able to give me some really good words of wisdom which helped me to put my fears squarely in my control.  It was a really good feeling (I wish I could have done the same for her!)

Her birthday is coming up.  I think I’ve only seen her for one of her birthday parties, but I think of her every year at this time (her birthday is on a special day each year, so every time it approaches, I think of her.)  I made a Christmas gift a few years ago for her, but wasn’t able to give it to her.  I thought about giving it to her for her birthday, but I’ve literally moved four times since then, so I’m not even sure I could find it at this point.  😦

Today, I’m feeling very thankful for having her in my life.

Difficult Partners

For those of you who are keeping track, G isn’t letting me ghost him. *sigh* I’ll actually have to tell him we have no future. I did realize, however, that we’ve never spoken on the phone. I can do it via text! Woohoo! So much easier! I’ll do it… later.

I saw this last week, and apparently it has stayed with me:

I guess I’m struggling with it.

The premise is – we can’t change who we’re attracted to, but we can change how we respond to their behaviors.

Why?  Why can’t we change who we’re attracted to?

Today, I’ve been thinking about manly-men.  I really like manly-men!  Someone who is virile and strong and competent.  Someone who is brave and has a take-charge, can-do attitude.

But, is that what’s best for me?  Is that type of man exactly wrong for me?  Do I need someone who is more loving and gentle and who believes in equality of the genders?

Can I reconcile the two?  Is it possible for a man to be both a manly-man and a gentle man?

Sitting here now, I think I’d rather have the “woke” man who believes in fairness for women.  The problem is, once I find him, will I be attracted to him, or will I find him too milk-toast?  Is that what happened with G?  Was he not enough of a manly-man for me to be attracted to?  Did I just walk away from the type of man who might have been really good for me?

So, the question is – can I be happy with a man other than what I’ve been attracted to my whole life?

Can I love a man who doesn’t abuse me?

Back to Zero

So, G contacted me this morning.  Nooooo!

I don’t think I have another gentle let down in me.  May I ghost him?  Please?  It’s not like he and I were as close as F and I.  Can I just quietly disappear?  That would be so much easier!

At what point is ghosting not allowed?  F and I talked daily on the phone, so I felt ghosting wasn’t appropriate.  Plus, we had Date #2 scheduled.

But, with G, we never actually talked on the phone, and there were no future dates planned.  Is ghosting allowed then?

Regardless, after I’m able to let G know that we’re not a good fit, I’ll be back to being completely single again.  I think I’m okay with that.  I mean, I’ve been having a lot of fun, chatting with men.  I’ve thoroughly enjoyed talking with F on the phone.  Dating was a great way to get out of the house and have new experiences and grow as a person.

But, I hadn’t planned on dating.  When I moved over here, I had specifically planned on not dating until I had my life more in order.

I actually made my profile invisible last night.

*sigh*

No more fun with boys.  Sad day!

I can focus more on my life, now – getting it in order, getting healthy, getting more sleep, blah, blah, blah.

But boys were much more fun!

However, the men who have previously contacted me can still do so, I found out this morning.  A (younger) man who had previously contacted me reached out to me again.  After my experience with C, I’m not as opposed to younger men anymore.

Speaking of C, he’s still around… via text – he just lives a million miles away.  😦

I’m trying to be positive about this.  I was really enjoying the attention.  We’ll see how long my profile stays invisible.

Past Men

Do you ever wonder how past lovers are doing?  What are they up to?  Did they find happiness?

I’m actually still in contact with one of my past men – Mr. Socks.  We were able to remain friends since the end of us (it was an amicable split.)  I’m really glad I’m still friends with him because I know that he’s doing well.  So well, in fact, that his wedding day to a wonderful woman is scheduled.  Honestly, I couldn’t be happier for him.  He’s a great guy and deserves a lifetime of happiness.

Another man from my past (Mr. Driver) contacted me a couple of years ago, asking if I was still with my (then) boyfriend.  I assured him that I was.  He was disappointed because he still thought of me and a part of him always thought we’d end up together.  Honestly, before my ex, I had always thought of Mr. Driver as my future – that somehow, when the timing was right, we’d find our way back to each other.  He was a great fit for me in many ways.

The part that ruined it was that when he called me, it sounded like a case of cold feet – he was engaged to another woman, thinking about me, wondering if he had made a mistake getting engaged to her.  Yikes!  I think I dodged that bullet!

I wonder about my first stalker.  Is he still alive?  Still mooching off other people?  Or did he finally figure out how to adult?  Honestly, his father did a him a massive disservice, raising him the way he did.  He was incredibly entitled, even though he was dirt poor.  It was really weird.  I don’t wonder about him, as much as wonder if he’s still alive.

And, of course, I wonder about Mr. Cuddles.  Is he still in the area?  Is he single?  Does he even remember me?  Whenever I think about him, it is with fondness.  I tried reaching out to him a couple of months ago, but the only e-mail address I have for him is defunct.  Sad day!  If any of you know Mr. Cuddles, and he’s single – hook a girl up, huh?

Is it normal to think about old flames, or is my mind just going a little nuts, right now?  (I’m really hoping I’m not too far from normal!)

I’m a Jerk!

Okay – y’all know that I like to ghost men. Quick, clean, no drama.

And yet, I’m trying to grow and change as a person.

*sigh*

I haven’t heard from G, and I’m totally good with that. Here’s hoping that it stays that way.

I actually chose to end things with F. Like – not ghost him. Yuck! Adulting is hard!

It took me a while to come to that decision. Actually, I decided a few days ago. Before I could tell him, he called in that sweet way he does, making me reconsider. Why would I want to end it with this great guy?

Physically – TOTALLY my type. We have similar interests, chemistry was good, I was comfortable with him, and even looked forward to seeing him again. I enjoyed every phone call we shared. Everything was great!

Why did I choose to end it?

Because of my stupid ex. He was a soul mate. I know what it’s like to meet a soul mate. Before my date with G, I thought he might be a soulmate. That made me realize that F isn’t.

And I wanted to be fair to him. He’s a great guy! He deserves to find his soul mate. Knowing that we aren’t meant to be, I felt like I would be wasting his time if I continued seeing him. While I would have thoroughly enjoyed his company, it would have been selfish of me (something I try to avoid).

The one thing that keeps me from feeling like a total jerk is knowing that since he is such a great guy, he’ll find the right woman sooner than later.

Writers Are NUTS!

A few years ago, I was awakened by a voice. There wasn’t anyone in my room, the radio wasn’t on, and yet a woman was very clearly talking to me.

In my head!

Yah, not psycho at all!

I very quickly realized that it was the voice of the main character of a story I had yet to write. I had talked about it, but hadn’t sat down with it yet.

Apparently, she was ready to be put to paper. She told me her story and wouldn’t leave me alone until I had gotten up and written down all she had to say.

Let me tell you – she is a pushy, demanding broad!

I’ve felt weird admitting that ever since.

Until today. Today, in one of my writers’ groups, I saw these in response to the question – what would you say to someone who is getting ready to write a novel:

Oh my gosh! These are my people! All of a sudden, my craziness wasn’t so insane. I was so relieved!

But, I don’t know how many non-writers I’ll tell my pushy broad from the Wild West story to. At least, not until after it’s fully written.

Children & Cake

I’ve stayed quiet for a bit about all things political.  Those of you who’ve been with me for a while know my political leanings.

However, there are a couple of topics with which I’m really struggling right now.

Who takes children from their parents?!  And why?!  What kind of monster would do that to innocent children who are completely blameless in all of this?

Unfortunately, I have put myself into the shoes of those children, and my heart breaks for them each time.  Can you imagine leaving your home – everything you’ve ever known – to go to someplace absolutely foreign to you?  Okay, we’ve all done it – our parents have moved us when we didn’t want to.  Except, we spoke the language when we arrived in the new place.  We knew the basics of what was expected of us in that society.  While it was new and scary, it wasn’t so vastly different that we were utterly lost.  While we were new, we weren’t an outsider, per se.

None of us wanted to move, but we had no choice.  We followed our parents to this new place, girding our loins for the newness of it, forcing ourselves to acclimate to our new surroundings and making new friends.  We held our breath and dove in to adjust to our forced new life.

And we had our freakin’ parent with us to ease us through it!

Oh my gosh, I can’t even tell you how upset I am about what the government is doing to those poor children right now!  It makes me ill just to think about it.

So, let’s talk about something else.

Cake.

Oh my heavens!  I’m so extremely pissed about this right now!  My mother and I have actually debated this a couple of times – sometimes even getting heated about it (Mother and I don’t argue, so this was unusual!)

Why in the hell can you not make a freakin’ cake?  Oh my god!  I’m not asking you to marry a man – I’m asking you to bake and decorate a cake you bigoted ignoramus! I’m not asking you to believe as I do – I’m asking you to not judge me, since your Bible has told you not to.  I’m not asking you to have relations with someone of the same gender- I’m not even asking  you to understand why I do – I’m asking you to be a decent person and treat me with the same respect you would any other human being.

I think that’s the part that pisses me off the most – how many of these people who are judging others are sinning themselves?  They feel they have the right to pick and choose which sins are okay, and which aren’t?  Wasn’t Christ’s first law to love one another?  And the whole “just not, lest ye be judged” thing?  Or infidelity.  Or premarital sex.  Or taking the Lord’s name in vain.  Or… or any other number of sins which people do on a daily basis.  Yet, their sins are okay and they can legally discriminate against someone whose “sins” are different than their own.  By the way – if you don’t believe in a close-minded view of Christianity, then homosexuality isn’t a sin.

But then, there’s the rest of the story.  If someone can legally refuse me service because of who I love, what is to stop them from legally judging me based on the color of my skin?  Or my religious beliefs?  Or any other petty reason people use to make themselves feel better than someone else?  Seriously, it makes me so extremely angry, fearful, and nauseated!  What is this world coming to when we can legally discriminate based on anything we desire?

In my perfect world, people wouldn’t judge.

And they definitely wouldn’t steal children away from their parents.

Ugh!  I think I need an attitude adjustment.  Or to stop watching the news.  Or both.

G1 and Done

*sigh* I had such high hopes for G. On paper, he was everything that I look for in a man – well-read, kind, mature, blah, blah, blah.

In out text conversations, we fit like a hand in a glove. Everything matched up – intelligence, spirituality, morals – I could see this guy being a soul mate.

And then we met. Wah-wah-wahhhh!

It started out with him being almost an hour late. I’m the type who would rather be half an hour early than five minutes late. He called me after I was already there to tell me he would be late. Awesome!

I’m all for dating nerds, but this guy took it to the extreme. And one of the pros of dating a nerd is that they usually bring home decent paychecks. He took me to a fast food place – Dutch. I’m all for going Dutch, but for some reason, I assumed he was going to try to wine and dine me. My fault for assuming!

And then he took me to a pool hall to play a few games. Cool. I suck at pool, but I enjoy it. Unfortunately, he had a hard time physically with the game. It wasn’t flattering.

To top it all off, he brought out some … smoking thing? He told me that it has THC in it. Huh. More unattractive stuff. But, I guess it’s better that his dates find out sooner rather than later.

Don’t get me wrong – he was very nice – every bit the gentleman. As I assumed before the date even started, he didn’t even try to kiss me. I laughed a lot during the date. I was able to make the best of the situation, but there won’t be a second date.

I’m so disappointed!

Suicide

Lately, it seems like there has been an uptick of suicides, which is absolutely horrible.

But, I get it.

When Trump was voted in, my shrink said that she had an increase in patients, mostly people worrying about what the world would become once he took office.

And this is where he has brought us.

But, I digress.  This blog isn’t about politics (I just like blaming everything I can on Trump!)

This blog is about you and those around you.

I’ve had a number of times in my life where I thought suicide was a viable option – sometimes, the only option.  I’ve planned out how I would do it, but I never actually got to the point of actually taking steps in that direction.

But, I remember the feelings I went through at that time.  The feeling of unending sadness.  The belief that nobody would actually care if I went through with it, or if they did, they would get over it fast enough.  There were times that I actually believed that the world would be better off without me – all I’m doing is taking from the world, why not just remove one more unwanted leach?

I think the hardest part about all of it, though, was the hopelessness.  The feeling that it would never get better – that I would never get better, the situation would never get better.  What was the point?  I couldn’t imagine living in those circumstances for the rest of my life, nor could I see a viable option.

Other than suicide.

Plus, I found it oddly soothing to plan my own death.  I think the logical part of my brain took over, trying to find just the right solution for me (least pain/fear).  When my logic took over, it masked the pain I was feeling.  A different shrink told me that was a totally normal response.  Huh.

Another part of it which made it easier and yet harder at the same time was the fact that I felt utterly alone.  I didn’t feel that I could share my feelings with anyone because they wouldn’t understand.  On paper, my life looked wonderful.  I literally could not explain why I was so miserable.  Nobody would understand why someone with this amazing life would want to end it all.  Outwardly, I was always happy and friendly, never a negative word to say.  Nobody had any idea what was going on internally.  I faked it really well.

So, I stayed quiet and alone.  Being alone in it made it feel so much darker and colder.  But, being alone made the thought of death that much more welcome and easy.   It was an odd juxtaposition.

What is the point of all of this?

If you’re considering suicide, please talk to someone.  Anyone.  Please.  Tell a trusted friend how you feel.  Believe me – they will do anything they can to help you through it.  And you never know – maybe they have gone through something similar, and it would help both of you to know that you understand that about each other.  Even if they haven’t experienced it, they love you and don’t want to lose you.  They would agonize over losing you for the rest of their lives.  Please don’t do that to them.

I’ve heard that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I know that, right now, that seems so very trite.  But, it really is the truth.  What you’re going through right now will pass – believe me.  I know it seems like there’s no way out, but that’s simply not true.  Your pain can and will end in ways you never expected – wonderful ways that will bring you immeasurable joy in the end.  You just need to find a way to wait through this particular storm.

There are solutions out there other than suicide.  It might take some creativity to find them, but they are there.  Instead of finding the best way to kill yourself, spend that time finding an alternative solution – anything.  Ask a friend for help.  Or a counselor.  Or call the national suicide hotline – 888-628-9454.  You can even text now, if that makes you more comfortable!  Text HOME to 741741.  Sometimes just talking about it can lessen your burden.

And if you’re not in that situation?  Love those around you.  You literally have no idea of the secret torment people carry around with them (Robin Williams is a painful example).  The one who is always smiling and cheerful might be one mean comment away from taking her own life.  The one who helps everyone around him might be one bill away from removing himself permanently from the picture.  Tell them you love them.  Listen to them.  Support them.  Let them know how much you treasure them in your life.

As always – love one another… and yourself.