Well That Was Fast!
Dear Reader – I’m writing this post last night. Minutes after I posted my previous post, my realtors called.
The male said, “How was your day today?” I told him that it was okay. He said, “It’s about to get better.”
That’s right, Dear Reader – I got the house! Can you believe it?! Holy cow! I could be a home-owner!
There’s still the inspection. Something could go wrong there. So, it’s not a done deal.
But, it feels pretty exciting.
And terrifying!
Holy cow! The mortgage isn’t small. I’m not going to have any extra money until at least January (when my car will be paid off.) I will also get a small raise at that point, as well as my Christmas bonus. So, for a few months, things will be a little tight.
But I’ll be a homeowner! How crazy is that?!
Can you tell I’m kinda freaking out right now?
Oofta!
Shit just got real.
Okay. I’ll keep you updated. We’ll be getting the inspection by next Monday, hopefully by the end of this week.
EEEE!
Oh – the really cool part about this house? Right off the kitchen is an extra room. Some might call it a utility room. Or a mud room. It’s painted all white with lots of natural light. I’m going to turn it into a baking room. I’m so excited!
The funniest part? I wrote this, and scheduled it to post today. I then got into my car to go celebrate with some ice cream, and my phone told me to go to my new house 🙂 Woohoo! I couldn’t say why it wanted me to go there (I’ve only been there once,) but twice more after that, my car gave me directions to that house. Pretty cool, right?
A Hard Conversation
Dear Reader – Ms. PG and I had a hard conversation yesterday. I hated every moment of it. We were in a good mood when she asked if she could ask me a question. The good mood was immediately gone. I literally felt my body stiffen up.
She brought up the wedding to which we were supposed to go.
Oh wait – I forgot to mention that she had previously told me that she has been experiencing some anxiety of late. I hadn’t noticed because I’ve been wrapped up in my own ickiness. Or she didn’t tell me. Or she didn’t tell me because of what I’ve been going through. Whatever the reason, I was oblivious.
Which, of course, made me feel like a really bad girlfriend. Which didn’t help with me trying to combat me feeling like a failure. Which is probably why she didn’t want to tell me.
Ugh! I suck!
Anyway, she brought up the East Coast trip. I told her that I wasn’t going to go and that I was planning on going on a trip by myself. She suggested I take my daughter, to which I told her that my daughter is busy that weekend. Ms. PG seemed surprised that I had been thinking about this for a while – that I had had time to discuss it with my daughter, so this wasn’t something I had just decided.
After hearing about her anxiety, it solidified my decision to skip the trip. Every time we had previously mentioned anything about me going (plane ticket, hotel, dress, etc.) it seemed to stress her out. So, I knew that me not going would make things less stressful for her.
But, I’m sad. And disappointed. I had been really looking forward to going. I was excited to finally make it into the White House (I wasn’t able to the last time I was over there due to the White House saying no visitors on the day we had been given permission to go. Boo!) And I was excited to go to a wedding. I literally don’t remember the last wedding I went to.
But, I think this will be cheaper and less stressful for both Ms. PG and myself… once I actually figure out what I want to do, where I want to go, and in which hotel I want to stay. I’m fretting about this a bit, but I’ll figure it out. I’m not used to making that type of arrangement – I’ve always had someone to do it for me…. Will this be the first time I’ve ever made a hotel reservation? Can that be right?
lol I’ve lived a weird life!
But, Ms. PG and I are better. She mentioned that we can take a trip to the East Cost when we’re in a better place – me being more myself, her being less anxious, and our money situation being less precarious (trying to buy a house has put my money in a weird situation.) She also suggested that maybe we could take a weekend trip to Portland this summer, which would be nice.
So, I’m doing better, and Ms. PG and I are doing better as a couple.
I’m still not 100%, but getting a bit better every day. I was actually humming quietly at work today. That’s a very good sign.
Bit by Bit
Dear Reader – I just wanted to give you an update. I’m feeling a bit better. Not wholly, but bit by bit I’m working on feeling better.
Yesterday, I took my mom and my dog for a walk. Supposedly, exercise is supposed to help one feel better. I don’t know if it helped or not. I’m glad I did it, for the sake of my health, if nothing else. It was nice to get out in the fresh air and move a bit.
I did a full day at work today. I don’t think anyone could tell I’m not my normal self, so I’m going to count that as a win.
I sang in the shower this afternoon. It was the first time in a while. “Oh what a beautiful morning!” was loud and joyful (glad that song came on.)
I even did my nails. They didn’t work out as I had expected. I used materials I’d never used before. My goal was a variety of starry scenes. This is what happened:
The best part? I don’t feel like I failed. No, it didn’t turn out as I expected. But, I don’t hate it, and I learned how those materials work. I’m going to call that a success!
I’m still not 100%, but I’m definitely getting better. My eating has normalized, my sleep has been pretty darned good, and I haven’t cried at all today.
I’m still trying to figure out how I’m going to spend that weekend while Ms. PG is away. I need to look into prices. I’ve heard Las Vegas is cheap. A trip to the ocean doesn’t include airfare; I could hole up in a room somewhere and do some writing. Or maybe a weekend in Canada? I have a friend I could visit while I’m up there. Dear Reader – do you have any other suggestions?
I’m also looking for other ways to lift my spirit. A loved one challenged me to do two nice things for myself this week. I need suggestions. Doing my nails this evening seemed to help me feel better, but I’m not sure that counts. Dear Reader – what’s one nice thing you do to yourself?
Still Not 100%
Good morning, Dear Reader.
Unfortunately, I’m still not completely myself. I think there might be a few different factors affecting that. Trying to get myself righted again.
I spent the weekend with Ms. PG. It wasn’t perfect, but I think that might be greatly due to my emotional state. Everything I do wrong, or even slightly off, gets chalked up to just another one of my many failures. She got tired of me using that word, but that didn’t mean that wasn’t how I was feeling.
You know how when you’re already feeling some kinda way, everything you see supports that? I saw a LOT of my failures during my weekend!
I’m sure I wasn’t a lot of fun to be around. Sometimes I wonder if she really did mean to send that “typo.” I wouldn’t blame her, if she did.
And then this morning.
We were supposed to go to a wedding in a few weeks. For a few weeks now, I’ve been feeling like she didn’t want me to go (it’s her friend getting married – and I’m the +1.) Yesterday, I got the feeling even stronger. This morning just kinda completed it.
She doesn’t want me to go.
You know how actions speak louder than words and communication is 55% nonverbal? Yah. That.
She hasn’t come right out and said that she didn’t want me to go, but it’s coming through loud and clear.
The thing is – I was really looking forward to going. I was looking forward to seeing Washington DC through her eyes. I was looking forward to going to a wedding. I was looking forward to meeting her friends.
But, I was REALLY looking forward to getting away! I’m feeling burnout again. I’ve been trying to take it easy on myself, but that’s often easier said than done. So, this trip was kind of a lifeline to me. I don’t really have any other vacations coming up this year – this was going to be it. It was going to be short, but it would be something. I have three weeks of vacation time this year, and I’m hardly going to use any of it, which makes me really sad.
So, instead of being sad about not going, I’m going to plan my own get-away. I’m going to see if my daughter is available that weekend, and I’ll take us to the ocean. I don’t care that it will be cold and probably rainy – I just want to get away.
No, I need to. Since Ms. PG doesn’t want me to go with her, I’ll take myself on a get-away.
I am terribly curious why she doesn’t want me to go – is she embarrassed of me? Is it the cost of the trip? Does she have someone special there that she doesn’t want me to know about? I doubt the last one, but with how I’m feeling/behaving lately, I wouldn’t blame her.
It just kinda sucks.
Oh well. Maybe my ocean weekend will help me feel better and re-adjust my attitude.
Here’s hoping!
In Case You’re Wondering…
Dear Reader – thanks for sticking it out with me. I know I’ve been fairly awful lately. I hate that as much as you do, maybe more.
The good news is – I’m doing better. I’m not completely myself, but I’m getting there. I was feeling much better today, but I did cry in the shower.
Ugh! I’m really tired of this!
So – to update you – Ms. PG and I had an in-depth conversation. Have I mentioned how much I hate those? I understand they’re necessary, but – ugh! Anyway, we talked. Things between us are fine. I still suck, but apparently she’s willing to continue putting up with me (she said something about “in sickness and health.”
My daughter has been so very sweet! She’s kept fairly close tabs on me, checking in on me throughout the past few days. She sent me a wonderful box which was full of items to help cheer me up. A little note was included – my mom said I should frame it. I’m gonna see if I can find a way to do that. Just knowing she cares enough to send it brightened my day, and each of the items in the box helped lift my spirits.
One of the things in the box is a little bottle full of little golden nuggets. I’m at Ms. PG’s house right now, so I don’t remember exactly what it said… Pure sunshine or 100% Love or something like that. I have no idea if the little nuggets are bath salts or … or I don’t know what. Whatever they are, they’re never escaping. I’m keeping that adorable little bottle stoppered up to look at when I need something happy.
There was also a travel mug in there. I instantly knew that it would be my new favorite mug – not because it held heat better than any other, not because it was trendy, but because it has a cheerful message on it, and it was sent to me from someone who loves me and wants me to be happy.
I might be wrong, but I think my daughter also got my son in on the action. He reached out to me twice in two days… which is 200% more than normal. Luckily, I was just able to chat with him about the habits of his boyfriend instead of the heaviness of my life.
My boss tried to get me to talk about it, but then respected me when I told her that I would cry if I talked about it.
By a happy accident, I had a headache yesterday. When it still wasn’t better by midmorning, my boss told me to go home.
I crawled into bed, fully expecting to watch a TV show, but magically falling asleep. I slept for two hours, and felt much better when I woke.
Last night, I slept for almost nine hours and felt remarkably better. Between the sleep, the love of my kids, and figuring things out with Ms. PG, I was feeling so much better.
Oh! With all of the stress I’ve been experiencing, I lost four pounds in one day. Not the right way to go about it, but I’ll take it.
I’ve given up on finding a house, and that decision gave me a sense of peace.
So, for now, things are looking up.
Yay!
Today’s Update
Dear Reader – ready for a shock? I had just settled into bed last night when my mother knocked on my bedroom door. She almost never does that.
Ms. PG was at the front door! What the actual hell?
She claimed it was a typo – that she was trying to assure me that she did “not” think of me as a failure, instead of “now” thinking I am a failure.
Huh. Here’s the struggle: I’ve had partners before say horrible things to me, and then claim it was a joke. Or I misunderstood them. Or they didn’t mean it. And I always gave them the benefit of the doubt. I’ve been lured back into their web of cruelty because I wanted to believe there was good in them.
And it wasn’t like she was wrong – I was failing. It wasn’t as if she was lying (if she did mean to type that.) I’ve done some really bad and stupid things lately, some of them to her. So, it wasn’t as if what she said wasn’t deserved.
But, my shrink is in my head, saying that Ms. PG isn’t my previous partners, and I need to judge her on her actions, not theirs.
To be honest, what she had typed was quite surprising and not like her. When I read it, I figured she was done putting up with my shit. I think the shock of her saying it added to the pain – she’s always been so very loving and supportive.
It is possible that it was a typo. The fact that she appeared at my door shortly after seeing the typo supports that. She apologized for hurting me. She claimed she hadn’t meant to, but she could see how much it would hurt me.
And I think I believe her. She often sends texts with multiple typos – sometimes I have to figure out what she meant to say. Sometimes I have to ask her.
Yet the pain of it still lingers.
I’ve been on the verge of crying for days. I’d settled into the idea of being single and staying that way for a very long time.
This has all been a lot. I’m so very overwhelmed.
I’m thinking this weekend would be a great weekend to do nothing.
… Although, “Gone with the Wind” is on the big screen on Sunday. Would I regret not going?
Hmmm…
Not My Favorite Day
Dear Reader – I’m hoping that my posts will get back to happy soon.
This is not that one.
Today sucked. Seriously. I haven’t cried yet, but only by sheer willpower. That will be happening when I crawl into bed.
I went to work and pretended (as well as I could) that everything was fine. I think the lady in the desk next to me could tell that I wasn’t myself, but I think she was the only one. Yay?
And then I got home. Since this struggle has been on-going for a while, I’ve spent a couple days hiding in my bedroom. Both times, my mother made me feel guilty for it. Because that’s exactly what I needed. So, today, instead of hiding in my room, licking my wounds, I sat in the living room, pretending to be okay, not taking care of myself, but choosing that over failing my mother. Lord knows I don’t want to fail in MORE ways!
My son reached out to me today, which was highly unexpected. Again, I got to pretend like everything was okay. yay. I just don’t want to talk about this with anyone. lol Yet I sit here and talk to you about it.
Whatevs.
I don’t want to talk to anyone so much that I cancelled my shrink appointment next week. I REALLY don’t want to talk about this with anyone. It’s just too raw. I hurt too much.
And I feel like such a failure! I’m literally failing at everything right now.
I’m guessing my boss is going to talk with me tomorrow about not being super friendly with one of my co-workers (the one who treats me with contempt and disrespect – go figure!) I’m guessing she told her boss that I was being rude to her because I didn’t say good morning to her. The thing is – I didn’t say anything to anyone who didn’t speak to me first. When I was driving to work, instead of taking a Mental Health Day, I convinced myself to put my head down and get my work done. I responded to anyone to talked to me, but I mostly kept to myself.
It worked! I didn’t cry at all at work! Yay!
But I’m guessing I’m going to get talked to about it tomorrow.
Isn’t it funny how people can make my pain about them?
The super weird thing? Ms. PG added a house to the list of homes my realtor can see in my collection. Apparently, she didn’t get the memo that I’m not looking for a house anymore.
Or that we’ve broken up.
Seriously – WTF! I’ve blocked her on everything. Does she not know… I mean, how can she believe…
*sigh*
I don’t care anymore.
I’m ready to walk away from all the shit I’ve failed at. I’ve been stressed and unhappy for a month. I hate this! I hate this so much! This is not me. I’m a happy person. I hate feeling like this.
I think I’m just going to allow myself to feel these feelings for the rest of the week. When Monday comes, I get a fresh start. I’m going to actively work on being happy, whatever that means.
I’m thinking about looking for a local writer’s MeetUp. I doubt I can find one like the last one I went to, but I can hope. Wish me luck!
But first, I’m going to allow myself to feel these feelings. My shrink says it’s bad to shove them down and ignore them, so I’ll allow myself to feel them in my quiet, alone moments. I hate feeling them, but hopefully it’ll help me heal faster.
Seriously Struggling
Dear Reader, I’ve always been honest with you, but I try to temper it with happiness. There is so much negativity in the world, I try to keep my blog positive.
But, I think it’s only fair to tell you that I’m struggling. I’m struggling at work, I’ve given up on buying a house, I’m struggling to lose weight, and Ms. PG and I just ended.
I’d like to blame it all on peri-menopause, but I don’t think that’s the reason. Right now, all signs point to the reason being – I’m a failure.
I’m failing at work. I’m making too many mistakes, and apparently mistakes aren’t allowed – even when learning new things. My shrink said I should look for another job, but I’m not qualified for anything and I couldn’t get a good reference.
I tried buying a house. Or four. Each time, I failed for a different reason. The definition of insane is repeating the same action and expecting different results. I’m done banging my head into that particular wall.
I hit my weight loss plateau. I got through it. And now I’m gaining weight. Fail!
And tonight, while I’m admittedly feeling like a total failure, Ms PG admitted that I’m a failure in her eyes… and by any metric she can think of.
Ouch.
I’ve been with cruel partners before, but none who kicked me so harshly when I was already lying prostate in the mud.
My shrink said I can text her, should I ever need an emergency session. Lol. And this is where the victim in me says l’m not worth bothering her. Buck up and move on.
Really feeling the need for a mental health day tomorrow!
publicinhiding 